{Note from me: Four days before I accidentally started The Looov I found out that a relationship with an amazing woman I loved very much wasn’t going to work out because of complicated life situations. Much breaking of hearts ensued and born out of the ashes was the inspiration for this totally useless survival guide to heartbreak.}
Heartbreak sucks.
Big time.
Well we here at The Looov are here to help!
With this handy guide to surviving and overcoming heartbreak you will be back to a normal happy life of swinging singleness in no time!
(Yay?)
First you have to get the proper material together so as to be most effective at recovery.
Here is what you will need:
Next you will need a little bit of time off of work so as to have time and space to get over the worst of the heartbreak.
One or two decades should be good.
One way of getting off work is to obtain a note from your doctor saying you have something less painful and easier to recover from than heartbreak like a football sized kidney stone, appendicitis, or a triple bypass.
If your doctor won’t give you a note, just forge one.
Here is the note I used:
(By the way that was my real handwriting, it’s even worse than this crappy font eh?)
If the note doesn’t work, no problem, just go to your nearest zoo…
Jump into the large feline exhibit…
Find the biggest baddest tiger…
And punch him right in his tiger nuts.
This will serve four purposes
1:
It will get you off work and into the hospital…
2:
The Hot nurse will be a very welcomed distraction…
(You’re welcome ladies.)
3:
Another big advantage of being in the hospital is that they will give you a ton of drugs…
4:
All of this hospital shenanigans will thoroughly take your mind off the fact that you have a heart that feels like it is stuck in a vise being attacked by a shark while swimming in a blender full of acid…
(No vises were harmed in the making of this comic)
If for some reason you can’t get time off work you will need the paper bag and kindergarten crayons.
First, get your kindergarten crayons…
And draw a smiley face on the paper bag like so:
(Take note: Do not draw with the opposite of your non-dominant hand on opposite day)
OK!
Now all you have to do is simply put your smiley face bag over your head and you can go anywhere anytime, including work, and no one will suspect that underneath your happy exterior you are a quivering pile of gooey emotional mush.
Don’t think it will work?
Well, take a look at these fine examples:
Now that you have called in and gotten some time off of work (or not, bummer) it is time to get out the Sledgehammer.
Please take note that a regular hammer will not suffice…
Verses…
Got it? Good.
Now take your sledgehammer and smash your phone so you won’t call your ex in a moment of loneliness and desperation…
At the early stages of heartbreak it’s good to hunker down and do some serious grieving and just let it all out.
Now is the time for those water wings to shine!
Put those pupppies on and crawl into bed and watch a movie with a sad love story while listening to the most depressing songs you know…
Six hours later…
One thing to watch out for is your mind will naturally want to only think of all the best times and good things about your ex.
DON’T DO IT!
What you need to do is focus on the bad stuff and all of their flaws and imperfections as this can greatly speed up the heart break healing process.
Here’s a perfect example right here:
Did you see that mole? My god that’s gross! It’s just such a horrendous thing to look at ew grody! (I didn’t want to post an actual picture of my ex online so I found the closest looking picture I could find on google, outfit and all. God damn she was gorgeous, funny, warm hearted, extremely intelligent (graduated with a 4.0 taking calculus, physics and biology and more at the same time) and is a courageous spiritual explorer of self. ssiigghh…)
Now that you are over the worst of the heartbreak it’s time to go out into the world.
This is when the PHD in genetic engineering comes in handy for creating the Squirrelosaurus. Why do you need this? We will see why in a bit, but first, and this is of upmost importance, definitely DO NOT use your genetic engineering degree to clone your ex as this will most definitely not turn out good because her soul is currently residing in her body, so when you clone her a different soul will be in there.
Believe me I tried it and this is what happened:
It actually worked out alright except she had a huge fear of theaters for some reason. Good thing for Netflix!
Here is why you need the squirrelosaurus:
Here is the only proper response for heartbreak:
Well, when you’ve reached this point you should be over the worst of the heartbreak it’s time to go out into the world and move on, start doing productive things for yourself and take up a new life goal or hobby, like say I don’t know, starting an online comic even though you can’t draw for shit, (or especially if you can’t draw for shit.)
Conclusion:
You are pretty much fucked.
Good luck!
