Me on the computer when things are running smoothly…

….after Four Seconds Of Spinny Wheel

…and one second after spinny wheel stops

(asterisk) What I say is waaaaaay worse than this and not fit for normal human consumption.

Art. I love art.

OK some art I love and some art is I feel is pretentious crap. Artist statements, on the other hand, are seriously salubrious sweet hilarious piles of verbose vomit.

Here are three examples: The first two I made up, but the third and most ridiculous of course, is real.

1.

Artist Statement:

“This represents the oneness of humanity and the inherent possibility and simultaneous significance and insignificance of the fertile infinite moment from which consciousness eternally evolves.”

Translation:

“I am an asshole.”

 2.

Artist Statement:

“This magnificent creation is the blooming consciousness of human kind and the emergence of increasing complacency in the prepostmodern age infused with incongruent deconstructionistic prepossession of holographic proletariot ideals.”

Translation:

“I did way too much acid.”

 3.

Artist Statement:

This one is a real one I pulled directly (with slight editorial changes to protect the innocent) off the artist’s page who actually has some pretty damn cool looking abstract art but holy shit, check out this statement:

“The geometric shafts in this painting insert themselves with a suddenness and clarity which is as much temporal as spatial. The light in the painting is ambient and the images exist outside any clear spatial coordinates. Rather than establishing a spatial locus for the image, the shafts of color give the work a quality of revelation. The background from which the colors emerge or into which they dissolve is either black – the absence of color – or white – the amalgam of color. Against this background, the primary colors swirl and intermix, forming secondary and sometimes tertiary colors in patterns which are random and temporary. It is tempting to read into this work a drama of creation, told here in coloristic terms and played off against the alpha and omega of black and white: a continuous unfolding of new and vital forms between nothingness and plenitude. Indeed, much of the success of this painting lies in it’s invoking in the viewer a sense of something momentous and primal – something well beyond the possibilities of natural representation or logical discourse .”

Translation:

“Uhhh what? I should’ve done more acid.”

Indeed…

What. The. Fuck.

1.
Go to your local food store and choose only the best organic free range non gmo lettuce and favorite vegetables of your choice.

2.
Rinse produce in the tears of a unicorn that has been baptized by a rainbow.

2.
Chop up vegetables while singing Kumbaya and doing an interpretive dance in honor of the plant spirits.

3.
Take a moment to give thanks and gratitude to the loving universe
and the goddess giver of life
for this divine blessing and beauty that is salad

4.
Flush down toilet and order pizza.